(I've never actually seen that movie.)
I've been in a funk for a couple days. I can't seem to shake it. I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I tried to explain it earlier, but it came off as rather crazy. I think I know what the problem is though. The title says it all.
I'm tired of life. I'm tired of the three plus years of unemployment and the spousal depression that has accompanied it, the never ending bills, the job that pays well but really isn't all that fulfilling, the five year old who doesn't sleep and pushes every button imaginable. Washing machines breaking, dishes piling up.
I want to live in fiction. I want romance and adventure and excitement. I realize that fiction is just that, fiction, but I need the escape.
I always have to be stong. I have to be in control. I have to be the adult. I don't want to be the adult.
I want to fall down the rabbit hole, run away with the Doctor, fly away to Neverland, have a love like Jane and Rochester or Elizabeth and Darcy.
Not to say that I don't love my family to pieces. It's just that this wasn't what I expected adulthood to be like, when I was the little bookworm growing up on the other side of the state. Real life is boring. I long to live my imaginary world.
Kinda thinking that the spouse isn't the only one with some depression issues. You think?
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Snow
I'll post a fun snow post over on Spud's blog in a little bit, but this is a little different.
I am scared of driving in snow. Absolutely terrified. I was born and raised in Seattle with a mother who hasn't left her house in 4 days because there is snow on the ground. It's always been scary for me to do it, even after living in Pullman for so many years, but after having Spud the fear became almost paralyzing.
I managed it yesterday but had to sit in my car after getting to work in the morning to take some deep breaths so I did not burst in to tears of stress when I got inside. Going home was not as bad as I had thought, though I did have to pull over and clean my windshield a couple times because my wipers froze to the window while I was driving.
I know the people at my work probably think I'm crazy for not driving in today. I was told that everyone else had made it in. I was panicking, trying to figure out how to get myself there because I didn't want to be seen as a loser. I went out to scrape off my car, thinking that I would try to drive, even though the thought of it brought tears to my eyes. I scraped and scarped, but the freezing rain was coming down faster than I could get it off. The car just kept getting more icy, not less.
I called someone I knew who always went in to work late and asked for a ride. I called work to let them know I was getting a ride and would be there late. I tried to keep the tears out of my voice, but I'm pretty sure my friend could tell I was freaking out. She told me to stay home, that they had everything covered. I called my ride back and he was having trouble with the freezing rain too. I let him know that I would not be going in after all and he said he was feeling that it would be a good idea for him to stay home as well. I got an email saying one other person was not coming in either. I felt a little better.
It does not help my guilt though. I should be there. I should be able to drive in a little snow without bringing on full panic attacks. I wish I wasn't such a dork, or wimp or whatever. I wish I didn't care that other people think I'm ridiculous. But I don't think they understand the fear. It is overpowering. It is hard to face, though I did it yesterday and may do it tomorrow. But today I was not strong enough.
I am scared of driving in snow. Absolutely terrified. I was born and raised in Seattle with a mother who hasn't left her house in 4 days because there is snow on the ground. It's always been scary for me to do it, even after living in Pullman for so many years, but after having Spud the fear became almost paralyzing.
I managed it yesterday but had to sit in my car after getting to work in the morning to take some deep breaths so I did not burst in to tears of stress when I got inside. Going home was not as bad as I had thought, though I did have to pull over and clean my windshield a couple times because my wipers froze to the window while I was driving.
I know the people at my work probably think I'm crazy for not driving in today. I was told that everyone else had made it in. I was panicking, trying to figure out how to get myself there because I didn't want to be seen as a loser. I went out to scrape off my car, thinking that I would try to drive, even though the thought of it brought tears to my eyes. I scraped and scarped, but the freezing rain was coming down faster than I could get it off. The car just kept getting more icy, not less.
I called someone I knew who always went in to work late and asked for a ride. I called work to let them know I was getting a ride and would be there late. I tried to keep the tears out of my voice, but I'm pretty sure my friend could tell I was freaking out. She told me to stay home, that they had everything covered. I called my ride back and he was having trouble with the freezing rain too. I let him know that I would not be going in after all and he said he was feeling that it would be a good idea for him to stay home as well. I got an email saying one other person was not coming in either. I felt a little better.
It does not help my guilt though. I should be there. I should be able to drive in a little snow without bringing on full panic attacks. I wish I wasn't such a dork, or wimp or whatever. I wish I didn't care that other people think I'm ridiculous. But I don't think they understand the fear. It is overpowering. It is hard to face, though I did it yesterday and may do it tomorrow. But today I was not strong enough.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Happy New Year!
And here we are with the 2012 Resoultions. Some will be similar. Some will be completely different. Some will be downright odd. Would you expect anything else from me?
1. Read 60 books. It's a lot, but I did 54 this year. What's 6 more?
2. Crochet something every month. I don't care what, just something. I'll try and post it here or Facebook to record it.
3. Finish Scott's scarf (and then hope the next job he gets is at a school with black and red as the colors).
4. Visit the Maryhill Museum and Stonehenge.
5. Take a train somewhere.
6. Bake something new each month. Not just a new cookie recipe, but something new and different for me. Branch out from my usual cookies/cakes/muffins and my beloved pies. Maybe croissants or something.
7. Follow the SparkPeople program all the way to the end. I have started it a number of times, but have never made it all the way through.
8. No more alcohol. Over the holiday season I have realized that it causes more problems than good. And while none of the problems involved me, it still enough to concern me. Of course, there is one exception...
9. Go wine tasting in Walla Walla. This is something I have wanted to do for awhile.
10. Meatless Mondays! (I missed the first Monday, but we'll start on Jan 9).
11. Go to my sorority's Centennial parties. One is in Seattle in June and one is in Pullman in October.
1. Read 60 books. It's a lot, but I did 54 this year. What's 6 more?
2. Crochet something every month. I don't care what, just something. I'll try and post it here or Facebook to record it.
3. Finish Scott's scarf (and then hope the next job he gets is at a school with black and red as the colors).
4. Visit the Maryhill Museum and Stonehenge.
5. Take a train somewhere.
6. Bake something new each month. Not just a new cookie recipe, but something new and different for me. Branch out from my usual cookies/cakes/muffins and my beloved pies. Maybe croissants or something.
7. Follow the SparkPeople program all the way to the end. I have started it a number of times, but have never made it all the way through.
8. No more alcohol. Over the holiday season I have realized that it causes more problems than good. And while none of the problems involved me, it still enough to concern me. Of course, there is one exception...
9. Go wine tasting in Walla Walla. This is something I have wanted to do for awhile.
10. Meatless Mondays! (I missed the first Monday, but we'll start on Jan 9).
11. Go to my sorority's Centennial parties. One is in Seattle in June and one is in Pullman in October.
Friday, December 30, 2011
New Year's Eve Eve
Happy New Year's Eve Eve! Tomorrow night we will ring in the New Year with a hockey game, followed by our traditional bad movies and smores. Should be fun. And also busy, so I might as well review my 2011 resolutions now, as I doubt there is much that can be done between now and tomorrow night!
My 2011 Resolutions
1) Bake a pie every month of 2011. I love pie, but I have never made one completely from scratch. I hope to have that change this year. Here is the current schedule:
Jan- Cherry
Feb- Coconut Cream
March- Pot pie AND Berry (it is Pi day afterall)
April- Banana Cream
May- Strawberry Rhubarb
June- S'mores
July- Blueberry
August- Peach
September- Apple
October- Pecan
November- Pumpkin
December- Lemon Meringue
Done, except for Lemon Meringue. There is a chance I may do it tomorrow. But considering Discs One and Two of the next season of Doctor Who are waiting for me at the library, I doubt it will happen :) Priorities people. :)
2) Read 45 books. In 2010, I managed 42. I think I can outdo that this year!
DONE! In fact, if I keep up the pack I am on, I will be at 55 for the year. Well over my goal! If not, 54 will do! :)
3) Exercise for 100 minutes a week. That isn't much, but it's more than I do now. Since shin splints have basically sidelined me from running, I'll have to get more creative.
HAHAHA, that didn't happen. Oh well. There's always next year. And I didn't GAIN anything, which is always a plus.
4) Save money. Our money situation is tight. I would like to be able to cut back in areas where we probably overspend, and build up a cushon in case something unforeseen happens.
Well, I guess this happened. We do have a bit of a savings account now. I wish I had written down somewhere what was in there before, because I really have no idea if we are ending this year ahead or behind.
5) Move. Whether it is across town, across the state, or down the coast, I would like to be out of this house be Halloween.
Didn't happen. They decided not to raise our rent, and with rentals hard to find in this area, it seemed safer to stay here. However, there may be something big brewing on the horizon as far as this is concerned, so stay tuned (like in May or so).
Not bad really as far as resolutions are concerned. I might still be able to do the pie, and then I would really consider this year a success.
I already have some ideas for 2012. I want it to be fantastic. I will try and post the list tomorrow.
Peace out!
My 2011 Resolutions
1) Bake a pie every month of 2011. I love pie, but I have never made one completely from scratch. I hope to have that change this year. Here is the current schedule:
Feb- Coconut Cream
March- Pot pie AND Berry (it is Pi day afterall)
April- Banana Cream
May- Strawberry Rhubarb
June- S'mores
July- Blueberry
August- Peach
September- Apple
October- Pecan
November- Pumpkin
December- Lemon Meringue
Done, except for Lemon Meringue. There is a chance I may do it tomorrow. But considering Discs One and Two of the next season of Doctor Who are waiting for me at the library, I doubt it will happen :) Priorities people. :)
2) Read 45 books. In 2010, I managed 42. I think I can outdo that this year!
DONE! In fact, if I keep up the pack I am on, I will be at 55 for the year. Well over my goal! If not, 54 will do! :)
3) Exercise for 100 minutes a week. That isn't much, but it's more than I do now. Since shin splints have basically sidelined me from running, I'll have to get more creative.
HAHAHA, that didn't happen. Oh well. There's always next year. And I didn't GAIN anything, which is always a plus.
4) Save money. Our money situation is tight. I would like to be able to cut back in areas where we probably overspend, and build up a cushon in case something unforeseen happens.
Well, I guess this happened. We do have a bit of a savings account now. I wish I had written down somewhere what was in there before, because I really have no idea if we are ending this year ahead or behind.
5) Move. Whether it is across town, across the state, or down the coast, I would like to be out of this house be Halloween.
Didn't happen. They decided not to raise our rent, and with rentals hard to find in this area, it seemed safer to stay here. However, there may be something big brewing on the horizon as far as this is concerned, so stay tuned (like in May or so).
Not bad really as far as resolutions are concerned. I might still be able to do the pie, and then I would really consider this year a success.
I already have some ideas for 2012. I want it to be fantastic. I will try and post the list tomorrow.
Peace out!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Holidays
I love holidays. It doesn't even matter if it is a holiday that does not relate to me. I still love them.
We celebrate Halloween AND Samhain. Boxing Day? You bet! Yule, Christmas, and anything else I can get my hands on in December! Groundhog day is still a personal favorite.
So while we don't go to church, I still love Advent. I figure it is good for Spud to know the basis for the hoildays that we celebrate, and Advent get to the root of the Christian form of winter holidays.
I went out and purchased a beautiful advent wreath (that can be used for other candles the rest of the year) and the necessary purple and pink candles. Each night this week we have been lighting the first candle and reading the chosen verse. Spud is kind of bored since there is no rhyme or reason to the verses, and we haven't gotten to the real story yet.
However, last night's verse actually spoke to me. It seems the antithesis of the right wing message of "Me, me, me. Everyone looks out for themselves." It spoke to me as the true meaning of Christmas, community, and Christianity in general.
Isaiah 58 5-8: The kind of fasting I want is this: Remove the chains of oppression and the yoke of injustice, and let the oppressed go free. Share your food with the hungry and open your homes to the homeless poor. Give clothes to those who have nothing to wear, and do not refuse to help your own relatives. Then my favor will shine on you like the morning sun, and your wounds will be quickly healed.
Basically, help those less fortunate than you. Stop the oppression of people and love one another. If you do this, the world will be a better place.
I feel like we need more of these messages and less of the "everyone who thinks differently and has less money is doomed" that dominate outspoken Christianity these days.
We celebrate Halloween AND Samhain. Boxing Day? You bet! Yule, Christmas, and anything else I can get my hands on in December! Groundhog day is still a personal favorite.
So while we don't go to church, I still love Advent. I figure it is good for Spud to know the basis for the hoildays that we celebrate, and Advent get to the root of the Christian form of winter holidays.
I went out and purchased a beautiful advent wreath (that can be used for other candles the rest of the year) and the necessary purple and pink candles. Each night this week we have been lighting the first candle and reading the chosen verse. Spud is kind of bored since there is no rhyme or reason to the verses, and we haven't gotten to the real story yet.
However, last night's verse actually spoke to me. It seems the antithesis of the right wing message of "Me, me, me. Everyone looks out for themselves." It spoke to me as the true meaning of Christmas, community, and Christianity in general.
Isaiah 58 5-8: The kind of fasting I want is this: Remove the chains of oppression and the yoke of injustice, and let the oppressed go free. Share your food with the hungry and open your homes to the homeless poor. Give clothes to those who have nothing to wear, and do not refuse to help your own relatives. Then my favor will shine on you like the morning sun, and your wounds will be quickly healed.
Basically, help those less fortunate than you. Stop the oppression of people and love one another. If you do this, the world will be a better place.
I feel like we need more of these messages and less of the "everyone who thinks differently and has less money is doomed" that dominate outspoken Christianity these days.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
The blog
So I am kind of at a loss of what to do with this blog. I am pretty sure no one actually wants to hear my rants and raves (if they are being truly honest LOL), but I post on FB so much, that most of our day to day activities just seem redundant over here.
I do want to start taking more pics of Spud, so maybe this would be a good place to post it.
Hmm, I don't know.
What I do know is that I want to post more, like I used to do on LiveJournal. Honestly, I have been contemplating going back to LiveJournal, but I think I would lose the three people who actually read this thing! :)
What should I do?!?
This post has no point. Probably should have put that at the beginning to save everyone from having to read it!
I do want to start taking more pics of Spud, so maybe this would be a good place to post it.
Hmm, I don't know.
What I do know is that I want to post more, like I used to do on LiveJournal. Honestly, I have been contemplating going back to LiveJournal, but I think I would lose the three people who actually read this thing! :)
What should I do?!?
This post has no point. Probably should have put that at the beginning to save everyone from having to read it!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
2011 Books
With 39 days to go, I am 5 books from reaching my goal of 50 in one year. I am almost done with one, so that is good. I still need to read The Stupidest Angel, a Christmas tradition. That means I really only need to come up with three more. Yay! I may complete a goal this year!
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